| Kathy's Discoveries | ||||||||||||||||||||
| Technology for Country Folk. |
1.LOG ON: Making a wood stove hotter 2.LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood 3.MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the wood stove. 4.DOWNLOAD: Getting the farwood off the truk. 5.MEGA HERTZ: When yer not kerful gettin the farwood. 6.FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood 7.RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood 8.HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter time. 9.PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time 10.WINDOWS: Whut to shut wen it's cold outside 11.SCREEN: Whut to shut wen it's blak fly season. 12.BYTE: Whut them dang flys do. 13.CHIP: Munchies fer the TV. 14.MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag. 15.MODEM: Whut cha did to the hay fields 16.DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife. 17.LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps. 18.KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the dang keys. 19.SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifs. 20.MOUSE: Whut eats the grain in the barn. 21.MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof 22.PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine 23.ENTER: Northerner talk fer "C'mon in y'all" 24.RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: Wen ya cain't 'member whut ya paid fer the rifle when yore wife asks. 25.MOUSE PAD: That hippie talk fer the rat hole | |||||||||||||||||||
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I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow, isn't looking good either. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.Am I getting smart with you? How would you know? I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!" My Reality Check bounced. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key. I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, 'cuz, like, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. And Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience. | Words of Wisdom | |||||||||||||||||||
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| The Farmer | A young farmer couple got married, and they just couldn't seem to get>enough loving'. Just before leaving the house for the fields at dawn, they made love, and when the husband returned home at evening they had another go - both before and after supper, and then again a few more times during the night. The problems only happened during the day. The fields were far away from the house and the young man lost half an hour each time traveling home and back again at noon. Finally he decided to consult a friend, the town's doctor, about what to do. "Easiest thing in the world, Homer" said the doctor. "You take your rifle out with you every day don't you? Well, when you feel like you're in the mood for some loving', just fire a shot into the air as a signal to your wife, for her to come out to you. That way you won't lose any working' time." Homer tried his friend's solution and it seemed to work pretty well for a while. One day though, the doctor stopped by the house to pay a visit and he noticed Homer sitting alone inside looking very somber. "What's wrong?" he asked.>>"Didn't my idea work? And where's your wife?" "Oh, it worked" says Homer. "Whenever I got in the mood I fired off a shot like you said, and Beckie'd come running'. Then we'd find a secluded place and make love. Then Beckie had go back home." "So what's the problem?" "Well I think I overdid it, Doc. I ain't seen hide nor hair of Beckie>since hunting season got started..." | |||||||||||||||||||
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